Q is For...

Questionable Moments

I've had many questionable moments in my life. The ones where you know your life is about to change. The only problem is you don't know which way. I'm forever an optimist so even in my worst questionable moments I've found some silver linings.

One of the first questionable moments came when I was 9-ish. I had seen an advertisement for some new bath gels and begged my parents to buy me some. Of course they declined my request and crushed my 9 year old heart. But you can't keep an optimist down. I looked under our bathroom sink and found an assortment of stuff to mix together. Gathering my supplies I scrabbled into my bath and began mixing. Some bubbling toilet cleaner for the bubbles. Some foot powder for the softness. Some fingernail polish for color and some finger nail polish remover in case it stuck to the tub. A few other ingredients went into my personal bath mixture but I can't remember their names only they've since been removed from shelves. Exactly 17 seconds after the final ingredient went in I had developed a mixture that was quite sticky. In fact NASA uses it today to plug holes in the spaceship.

It took the fire department and paramedics 4 hours to free my backside and legs from the tub. But that's ok because this questionable moment taught me the inner workings of the rescue community.

When I was 13-ish my best friend convinced me that if I put duck tape on my water bed mattress that I could poke stick pins in it and the water wouldn't leak out. Well she was right. Every place that duck tape IS ON would not leak. My 13 year old brain didn't think of the HOLE. A hole by definition is the absence of something. When you place a stick pin or 23 into the water bed bladder you create a hole or an absence. An absence of the duck tape, an absence of the water bed mattress which in turn creates an absence of water.

It took my parents 2 hours to shop vac all the water out of my floor. But that's ok because I learned a valuable physics lesson. The faster you run around your mom plus the gravitational pull of the moon divided by the arc of her swing WILL NOT lesson the impact of the leather belt on your bottom.

I've even had some questionable moments in my adult life. When the Prince of Nigeria emailed me asking for financial help I knew I couldn't turn him away. I mean come on, how many people could help a royal prince. Plus I knew it had to be real because all my friends and family got the same email so he must know me. Besides when I gave him my bank account number I asked him nicely to only take what he needed. I guess he was in more trouble than I though when my bank called to say my account had been emptied.

Months later I still haven't had a thank you from the Prince but that's ok because I know he has his freedom and is healthy.

Becoming a writer was a questionable moment also. However I know that no matter how it turns out I have made some awesome (real) friends and learned many valuable lessons(real ones). So I hope becoming a writer is a questionable moment for you but one that you choose to do whole heartily.

Happy Writing

P is For...

Pen in The Printer

I consider myself a very organized person. On top of things-nothing catches me by surprise-get it done kind of person. Except in my writing life. It's a mess. I'll blame my muse. Who, I've told you all before, is a drunk monkey stumbling around with a computer and a pen in her hairy hands.

Imagine my shock when I tried to print out some chapters for revision and nothing came out of the printer. Imagine more shock when I discovered I forgot to fill said printer with paper. Apparently this is an important step to follow when using a printer.

Enter the antagonist. I love pens. You know the really smooth flowing bright colored pens. Gel filled ones are the bestest ever!! Woo Hoo raise the roof..uh sorry. Ah yeah the Pen. I dropped my neon pink--I heart tadpoles pen straight down into the paper loader opening thingy. And it rolled and rolled and rolled all the way back into the paper feeder. I know it's called a paper feeder from the nice support technician who helped me but more on him/her later.

Searching my desk for something to pull the pen out only showed me how messy it was. Trying to fish out the pen with a pencil made me a bit nervous so I switched to a fork. Not happening. Next came a finger nail file, letter opener, magnet (I know I know), fishing hook and string, pipe cleaner stolen from kids project and finally I came up with a brilliant idea sure to work.

I put some tuna fish on a cotton ball and put it inside the printer and put the cat up there. He went CRAZY!! Digging and clawing and meowing and....shedding. If he could just knock the pen loose. His meowing went from "loud" to "OMG can't he shut up". I realized he had his paw stuck inside the printer wrapped around the cotton ball. He would NOT let go of the cotton ball. Slight panic set in when the cat stopped meowing and started hissing at me. He knew what I had done. Reaching out to soothe him showed me how dangerous a pissed off cat with three free legs can be. I don't think any of the scratches would require more than a few stitches.

Calling The Husband or any other family member would only add to my growing list of "Guess what Lisa did now" so I called customer support. At least I'm a faceless moron to them.

"Good Morning, Customer Support. This is Sydney, my badge number is......." the monotone voice went on forever. I couldn't tell if it was a he or a she. I hate when that happens. I always wind up saying mam to the sir and sir to the mam.

"Hey Sydney, I need help. My cat is stuck in my printer and I can't get his paw out." I yelled so the he/she could hear me over the cat's very angry growls of pure hate being flung in my direction.

"Um, sorry we don't do animal cases but I can help you change your ink cartridge. First..."

"No, I don't need the ink cartridge changed I need to get my cat out of the printer so I can get my pen out so I can print out my story for revision." I was totally in a freak out mode now.

"OK, calm down. I'm not supposed to do this but it's slow this morning so I'll help you. Is your printer the Ultra Deluxe 4000?" Sydney He/she said

"No, It's the Simple Cheap 127."

"That's too bad. I could help you if it was the Ultra. Do you want to upgrade now for a %40 discount?"

"NO I NEED MY C A T out of my printer."

"Whoa chill out Lady. I'm just here to help you and I can't help if your going to take that tone with me. Although it's kinda hot. Are you single? I see your address is 225.."

Hanging up and making a mental note to move I rack my brains to figure out how to solve this. The ten year old comes in to see what is making all the noise that is interfering with his Star Wars video game conference and takes one look at me holding my bleeding arms and the cat and the printer.

Rolling his eyes he goes into the kitchen and opens a can of cat food which promptly makes the cat let go of the cotton ball. Then he walks back and picks up my printer and gives it one shake and out falls my pen.

I grounded him for 17 years, not for being smarter than I am but for showing me he's smarter than I am.

Happy Writing.

Gas: The New Four Letter Word.

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I live in south Alabama. The real rural part. We're between "Hometown of the Largest Snake Turd" and "You Got a Purty Mouth". WAY out in the boondocks.

So needless to say we use a lot of gas. Whether it be in our cars or tractors or Mae Belle's Avon wagon. Petroleum is a way of life down here. With the gas prices going up again we're experimenting with alternative fuel "recipes". So far we have had mild success with some and since we are all in this together I though I'd share some. If you have any success or complaints please forward them to OCAP.

Alternative Fuel Recipes:

1. Government Personnel Fuel

Take 3-4 of your local government personnel (you know you have extras) and put them into a large vat of hot water. Simmer until a fine layer of crap rises to the top. (shouldn't take long) Scoop off and run through the Microlaxerfizer 2000. You should have enough alternative fuel to last 100 years. Repeat as needed.

2. Convicts Ala' Fred Flintstone style

Visit your local jail and "borrow" the worst offenders. Cram as many of them as possible under your hood. Hook an electrically charged wire to a ..ah... sensitive spot and when you push the gas pedal *wham* you have instant momentum. Speeding is encouraged.

3. Trainpool

This isn't exactly fuel but another alternative. In carpool you have one car and several people. But now that's just not enough. I'm introducing the "Trainpool". You need to get your closest friends and relatives and hooked your cars together like a train. Put all your vehicles in neutral and the lead car pulls your around town for all you shopping needs. You will need to work out a schedule of who gets to be lead car every few days as most cars aren't lasting long.

I have one of those cars that lets me know when my fuel is running low. Apparently I can't look at the big red E and tell. When the tank gets to a certain point I hear "Low Fuel, 30 miles until empty." I filled up yesterday which cost $2,866,301.87. When the car reset itself I heard "Low Fuel, 31 miles until empty." Time to break out the horse and buggy.