P is For...

Pen in The Printer

I consider myself a very organized person. On top of things-nothing catches me by surprise-get it done kind of person. Except in my writing life. It's a mess. I'll blame my muse. Who, I've told you all before, is a drunk monkey stumbling around with a computer and a pen in her hairy hands.

Imagine my shock when I tried to print out some chapters for revision and nothing came out of the printer. Imagine more shock when I discovered I forgot to fill said printer with paper. Apparently this is an important step to follow when using a printer.

Enter the antagonist. I love pens. You know the really smooth flowing bright colored pens. Gel filled ones are the bestest ever!! Woo Hoo raise the roof..uh sorry. Ah yeah the Pen. I dropped my neon pink--I heart tadpoles pen straight down into the paper loader opening thingy. And it rolled and rolled and rolled all the way back into the paper feeder. I know it's called a paper feeder from the nice support technician who helped me but more on him/her later.

Searching my desk for something to pull the pen out only showed me how messy it was. Trying to fish out the pen with a pencil made me a bit nervous so I switched to a fork. Not happening. Next came a finger nail file, letter opener, magnet (I know I know), fishing hook and string, pipe cleaner stolen from kids project and finally I came up with a brilliant idea sure to work.

I put some tuna fish on a cotton ball and put it inside the printer and put the cat up there. He went CRAZY!! Digging and clawing and meowing and....shedding. If he could just knock the pen loose. His meowing went from "loud" to "OMG can't he shut up". I realized he had his paw stuck inside the printer wrapped around the cotton ball. He would NOT let go of the cotton ball. Slight panic set in when the cat stopped meowing and started hissing at me. He knew what I had done. Reaching out to soothe him showed me how dangerous a pissed off cat with three free legs can be. I don't think any of the scratches would require more than a few stitches.

Calling The Husband or any other family member would only add to my growing list of "Guess what Lisa did now" so I called customer support. At least I'm a faceless moron to them.

"Good Morning, Customer Support. This is Sydney, my badge number is......." the monotone voice went on forever. I couldn't tell if it was a he or a she. I hate when that happens. I always wind up saying mam to the sir and sir to the mam.

"Hey Sydney, I need help. My cat is stuck in my printer and I can't get his paw out." I yelled so the he/she could hear me over the cat's very angry growls of pure hate being flung in my direction.

"Um, sorry we don't do animal cases but I can help you change your ink cartridge. First..."

"No, I don't need the ink cartridge changed I need to get my cat out of the printer so I can get my pen out so I can print out my story for revision." I was totally in a freak out mode now.

"OK, calm down. I'm not supposed to do this but it's slow this morning so I'll help you. Is your printer the Ultra Deluxe 4000?" Sydney He/she said

"No, It's the Simple Cheap 127."

"That's too bad. I could help you if it was the Ultra. Do you want to upgrade now for a %40 discount?"

"NO I NEED MY C A T out of my printer."

"Whoa chill out Lady. I'm just here to help you and I can't help if your going to take that tone with me. Although it's kinda hot. Are you single? I see your address is 225.."

Hanging up and making a mental note to move I rack my brains to figure out how to solve this. The ten year old comes in to see what is making all the noise that is interfering with his Star Wars video game conference and takes one look at me holding my bleeding arms and the cat and the printer.

Rolling his eyes he goes into the kitchen and opens a can of cat food which promptly makes the cat let go of the cotton ball. Then he walks back and picks up my printer and gives it one shake and out falls my pen.

I grounded him for 17 years, not for being smarter than I am but for showing me he's smarter than I am.

Happy Writing.