Gas: The New Four Letter Word.

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I live in south Alabama. The real rural part. We're between "Hometown of the Largest Snake Turd" and "You Got a Purty Mouth". WAY out in the boondocks.

So needless to say we use a lot of gas. Whether it be in our cars or tractors or Mae Belle's Avon wagon. Petroleum is a way of life down here. With the gas prices going up again we're experimenting with alternative fuel "recipes". So far we have had mild success with some and since we are all in this together I though I'd share some. If you have any success or complaints please forward them to OCAP.

Alternative Fuel Recipes:

1. Government Personnel Fuel

Take 3-4 of your local government personnel (you know you have extras) and put them into a large vat of hot water. Simmer until a fine layer of crap rises to the top. (shouldn't take long) Scoop off and run through the Microlaxerfizer 2000. You should have enough alternative fuel to last 100 years. Repeat as needed.

2. Convicts Ala' Fred Flintstone style

Visit your local jail and "borrow" the worst offenders. Cram as many of them as possible under your hood. Hook an electrically charged wire to a ..ah... sensitive spot and when you push the gas pedal *wham* you have instant momentum. Speeding is encouraged.

3. Trainpool

This isn't exactly fuel but another alternative. In carpool you have one car and several people. But now that's just not enough. I'm introducing the "Trainpool". You need to get your closest friends and relatives and hooked your cars together like a train. Put all your vehicles in neutral and the lead car pulls your around town for all you shopping needs. You will need to work out a schedule of who gets to be lead car every few days as most cars aren't lasting long.

I have one of those cars that lets me know when my fuel is running low. Apparently I can't look at the big red E and tell. When the tank gets to a certain point I hear "Low Fuel, 30 miles until empty." I filled up yesterday which cost $2,866,301.87. When the car reset itself I heard "Low Fuel, 31 miles until empty." Time to break out the horse and buggy.