The Truth and Part 3

If your looking for the #1 challenge for the crusade click here.

My lie was that I speak more than one language.

Other than a smattering of phrases in French (courtesy of an exchange student), Spanish (we live in the south so that's a must) and Korean (an employment opportunity that I despised and quit after 6 weeks). I only speak English although that's to be questioned on occasion. :)
I LOVE shark and I love to fish for shark. However, I refuse to eat shark fin soup because of the inhuman way they harvest it. I have double jointed thumbs and love every single kind of pink flamingo. The tackier the better. I do have a nice metal sculpture of a flamingo that's not tacky at all. I can trip on thin air and have had every color of rabbit's foot possible. This challenge was extremely fun!!!

Now on to today's post. This is my last part of my critique and you can find my other posts here and here. You can also click on the page above for the entire critique. I hope someone can find some valuable info and help. Here is my snippet and Marieke's advice in blue.


The pounding on my bedroom door startled me awake. Pulling a pillow over my ears, I rolled over and breathed deep, trying to calm my racing heart . At least the racket had pulled me from my nightmare. They where always the same. Feeling like I was being watched by a dark shadow. The flutter of wings and children screaming. Distorted bodies littering a barren mountain. No amount of "talking it out" with Dr. Shallen could dilute the images seared in my mind. My mom finally stopped making me go to the counselor, chalking the dreams up to teenage angst.

There's a rule that says never start
with your MC waking up, unless there's a very good reason you're
starting at exactly that moment. More often than not, waking up is too
Of course, waking up scenes - as well as dream scenes - have been done
to great effect. Nevertheless, I think you could do without here.

I don't think you have the YA voice down to a t yet. Comments like
'dilute the images', 'teenage angst', convince me the narrator is
older. The next few paragraphs have the same problem, although it does
get better. Voice is without doubt the hardest thing to learn. The
only way you can learn is by writing loads and reading loads and
continuing to improve on your craft :)


Voice is something I think I will be working on for a long time. I've been reading tons more YA than ususal, trying to get a better feel for it but just writing will probably help me more than anything.

Do you have problems finding your voice or do you have advice on how to get it right?


  1. Ah I was hoping you could speak 3 languages. It's always been an ambition of mine to speak many languages, one I have not done very well at. HAHA. But stalk Flamigos? hehe

    ...wait a minute...
    Lisa has never been over.


  2. Uh...that was weird, the middle of my last comment didn't show up.

    It was supposed to say

    But stalk Flamigos? hehe

    ...wait a minute...

  3. ??????? it still didn't show up. It still didn't include 1 line.

    Ok, I'm not nuts. But that is weird.

    Sorry. I give up. LOL

  4. LMAO.... I've done that before. I'v tried to leave a comment on your and it was a really good one and I guess the interent timed out or something cuz every single time I would try to submit it would clean out the comment form and nothing would show up. The blogging Gods are being naughty today.

  5. I wish I could speak more than one language. In high school I took 3 years of Spanish, and by the end of those 3 years I could speak it pretty well. Now, most of what I learned has gone out the window.

  6. I speak some French and a little Spanish. And a smattering of Arabic! :)

    What's all this about stalking flamingos?

  7. Flamingos heh? I'll be filing that away for future reference. You fish for sharks? Does that mean the shark repellant you mentioned last week is real? *goes to look* it does! Only it's not what I thought. I guess an aerosol can with whale *bleep* wouldn't work under water.

  8. Oooohhhhh! I was completely stumped with your challenge entry.


  9. THere are some shark repellants out there but I have no idea how good they are. I know a bang stick works if they get too close. It's a small prod with an electrical current you pop the sharks nose with if they get to chummy. Just don't wear flashy bracelets and stuff. I've never personally used any kind of repellant. Just make sure you have other people swimming around you and if you see a dark shadow push them down. hehehe

    As far as the flamingos are concerned I have loved tacky/trashy stuff since I was a kid. The tackier the better. I have no clue why. I was born and raised in Florida and not around any of the tourist cities so I didn't see any plastic flamingos growing up but now as an adult in Al (debatable) I LOVE them.

  10. I'm a big fan of diving with sharks...have yet to eat one :) or be eaten....

    Interesting critique. I think voice just takes time.....and yours is unique, so don't stress....

    Fellow crusader, swinging by to say hi, and follow so I don't miss anything!
    The Survival Mama

  11. I remember how to swear in French and how to order a beer. :)

  12. Ahh, you got me. You're a trickster with the languages.

    I wasn't sure when to reveal my lie, so now I have to go back and post that--whoops. Tomorrow I guess.

    Good critiques. You're right on the money. Way to go crusader group buddy :)

  13. I love your shabby blogs background! Voice is tough, and I struggle with it too. Reading lots and lots of YA is a huge help, though. I'm reading GOING BOVINE right now, which has tons of voice! Same with any of John Green's books. Good luck!


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