Since I'm in between first draft and revision I still need to do some writing for practise. I thought I'd jot down some things everyone interested in motherhood should read.
First off, It's the BIGGEST conspiracy ever. Formed by all the conglomerates in the world. They get us to have a kid and they make billions off us. Every first-time momma needs things from butt powder to soothing music. And that's not counting what you need for the baby. I can just see Adam and Eve discussing the whole apple debacle.
"I dunno Eve. What is we get preggers."
"Well, Costco is having a sale on diapers and the cutest wooden cradle with real animal fur."
Children never sleep on your schedule. Once school starts you can't get them to open their eyes before 10 am. I've guided all my boys onto the bus and tucked their blankets around them. The bus driver and I have an understanding. She looks the other way and I don't mention the whiskey flask in her cup holder.
Come the weekend or summer my boys are up at 4:37 am or as I like to put it--the butt crack of dawn. Standing over my hiding place behind the dryer. Staring. Like stalkers.
"You wake her up"
"Uh-Uh, I got her last Saturday and had to listen to her cry about how she should have joined the navy seals so she could rest. Make the little one do it."
"What if she's dead?"
"She tried that yesterday, so I've got the cold water ready."
At this point there is no escape. They have found where I sleep and gotten too close to my secondary hideout. I give up for another morning.
"What do you want with me? I've already told you my rank and serial number. Please no more torture."
"We're hungry." That's the little one. He's an absolute garbage disposal.
"There's cereal in the cabinets. I'm not sure about the milk. If it comes out clumpy just mash the bits and pretend they're marshmallows."
They scurrying away like the varmits they are and I pull and prod myself from my nest. Sometimes it pays off to not bother with cleaning the vents out. I had a nice little pallet of lint to rest on. Of course that doesn't last long as I hear the screaming start. That's right children SCREAM. They come out of the womb screaming and they don't stop. All those pictures you see of pretty babes sleeping or children laughing? They've been drugged. I promise. Just another ploy by the conspiracy groups.
"You spilled it. You have to clean it up."
"Nuh-Uh, you spilled it. What does clean it up mean?"
"It means throw something over it and it will go away. Something really thick, like mom's new cashmere blanket."
Let me tell you there is nothing more fun than walking into your kitchen and your feet being stuck instantly to the floor. Super glue has NOTHING on the right milk and sugar mixture.
"How did you spill the milk? There was only about 2 spoonfuls left? You just built a rocket out of some gum, toothpicks and my electric razor. How can you spill milk? Here have a cracker and chew on this soup bone but bring it back."
At the price of meat I need to make that thing last all week.