Children, I understand why animals sometimes eat their young.

Since I'm in between first draft and revision I still need to do some writing for practise. I thought I'd jot down some things everyone interested in motherhood should read.

First off, It's the BIGGEST conspiracy ever. Formed by all the conglomerates in the world. They get us to have a kid and they make billions off us. Every first-time momma needs things from butt powder to soothing music. And that's not counting what you need for the baby. I can just see Adam and Eve discussing the whole apple debacle.

"I dunno Eve. What is we get preggers."
"Well, Costco is having a sale on diapers and the cutest wooden cradle with real animal fur."

Children never sleep on your schedule. Once school starts you can't get them to open their eyes before 10 am. I've guided all my boys onto the bus and tucked their blankets around them. The bus driver and I have an understanding. She looks the other way and I don't mention the whiskey flask in her cup holder.

Come the weekend or summer my boys are up at 4:37 am or as I like to put it--the butt crack of dawn. Standing over my hiding place behind the dryer. Staring. Like stalkers.

"You wake her up"
"Uh-Uh, I got her last Saturday and had to listen to her cry about how she should have joined the navy seals so she could rest. Make the little one do it."
"What if she's dead?"
"She tried that yesterday, so I've got the cold water ready."

At this point there is no escape. They have found where I sleep and gotten too close to my secondary hideout. I give up for another morning.

"What do you want with me? I've already told you my rank and serial number. Please no more torture."

"We're hungry." That's the little one. He's an absolute garbage disposal.

"There's cereal in the cabinets. I'm not sure about the milk. If it comes out clumpy just mash the bits and pretend they're marshmallows."

They scurrying away like the varmits they are and I pull and prod myself from my nest. Sometimes it pays off to not bother with cleaning the vents out. I had a nice little pallet of lint to rest on. Of course that doesn't last long as I hear the screaming start. That's right children SCREAM. They come out of the womb screaming and they don't stop. All those pictures you see of pretty babes sleeping or children laughing? They've been drugged. I promise. Just another ploy by the conspiracy groups.

"You spilled it. You have to clean it up."
"Nuh-Uh, you spilled it. What does clean it up mean?"
"It means throw something over it and it will go away. Something really thick, like mom's new cashmere blanket."

Let me tell you there is nothing more fun than walking into your kitchen and your feet being stuck instantly to the floor. Super glue has NOTHING on the right milk and sugar mixture.

"How did you spill the milk? There was only about 2 spoonfuls left? You just built a rocket out of some gum, toothpicks and my electric razor. How can you spill milk? Here have a cracker and chew on this soup bone but bring it back."

At the price of meat I need to make that thing last all week.


  1. LOL isn't it true! Oh my gosh so funny!

  2. Oh how funny! Just the chuckle I needed this morning. Those boys do get up to some amazing feats don't they. Take a deep breath!

  3. My twins will be 14 in 3 weeks and the baby is 10. I'm seriously thinking about writing a book about what they've done and put me through. Of course I love em but sometimes....:)

  4. I'm sure my brother has no idea what he's in for. Thank God I'm sterile.

  5. I loved this post. It is so true, so true. Have a great day.

  6. This was hysterical. I have three myself and sometimes I think they share brainwaves that seek to destroy me LOL!

  7. Your certain that you aren't writing horror fiction, cause you have that knack. LOL
    N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium

  8. Funny, because it's the way it is. People who have never had children should be stinking rich--money wise. I may have empty bank accounts, but I'm rich with memories and fun times with my children and grandchildren.

    Tossing It Out

  9. I don't have children, but I was stiffling my laughter while under my desk, gripping my phone in hysterics. (I'm at work and now my cubemate is wondering what is taking me so long to find my paperclip.) Nancy's comment about writing horror sent me over the edge.

  10. Absolutely hilarious! I really needed the laugh. I'm so glad my kids aren't the only ones. Remember when we were growing up and thought our parents were nuts? Now I know it's because we made them that way!

  11. I don't have any kids... I think I'm better of getting a cat. LOL

  12. Do you ever lock yourself in the bathroom just to have a few moments to yourself?

    I mean...not that I do that...but I've heard you can.

  13. Thanks guys. You're awesome. Becky, remind me to tell you about the time my kids did lock me in the bathroom

  14. I'm tired enough without having kids, I can't imagine how exhausted I'd be with them :P

    If you want to flex your writing muscles, we do a short story each week according to a prompt. Check it out!

  15. LOL. And that's why I find delight in my friends' children... I can give them back at the end of the day and THEY can deal with them! :)

  16. So funny. It's true, every word you wrote. Kids are just the definition of chaos.

  17. So funny. I just have one who is 5 and she's the same way with school. On school days we can't get her out of bed. But on weekends she's hovering over me at 7am, staring at me. But we've actually gotten her trained pretty well. She wakes up and goes and plays in her playroom for an hour and then wanders in around 8 dying of starvation. But she also feeds the dog which is awesome.

  18. Hahahahaha thanks. I was crying with laughter.

    Of course, I can laugh easily. I don't have children.


  19. Hi Lisa,

    Just letting you know I gave you a blogging award only to realize afterward you've already gotten it once. Oops! But I love your blog.

    How did you get that neat flag counter/visitor button? I'm on blogger too but I can't find it :)


  20. You are too funny. Makes it funnier because it's so true.
    I found you by checking out people I don't know on the A-Z list.


  21. Haha! I love the bit about mashing up the bits in milk and pretending they're marshmallows.

  22. This is was really funny to read. I just wanted to say though as someone outside the box that you are an extremely good mother. Your kids are fortunate to have someone so wonderful to take care of them. I unfortunately know women who have had kids that would not go to this extent for them or who don't. It may sound horrible...but they do exist, and they are out there.

  23. Reading your post made me laugh so hard! Great start to my morning :)

  24. You are a mother after my own heart. We could be twins :)

    So funny and so true. When you need them to be quiet, they refuse. And when they are quiet, without being asked, then they're up to no good.

  25. LOL! I'm a crusader! I'm late in making the rounds, but glad to have found your blog! Christy

  26. I here you and now I'd better race upstairs, I left my 2 yr old alone with the puppy, anything could happen :)

  27. Oh goodness....I don't know how you write and parent! I thought it was hard with a full time job, but add kids into the mix...wowsers! Thanks for the laugh and good luck with the revisions! I'm a fellow crusader and YA writer exploring your blog! :)


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